Grudges and Grunts-The Gender Gap in Conflict Resolution

Let’s start with a scene you’ve probably witnessed (or lived): two men in a heated debate during a business meeting—voices raised, egos flared, chairs nearly flying. Then, fifteen minutes later, they’re making weekend golf plans. Meanwhile, across the office, two women had a disagreement last week over who should be the lead speaker in a marketing presentation, and one of them is still referring to the other as “that know it all bossy bitch.” Welcome to the gendered art of conflict management.

Men, culturally and biologically, tend to approach conflict like it’s a one-round boxing match. Get in, throw verbal punches, settle the score, and walk away bruised but unburdened. There’s no lingering. Once the issue is “done,” it’s done. You’ll hear phrases like “We’re good.” Translation: no hard feelings, no hard thinking. Case closed.

Women, on the other hand, are often handed a different toolkit. From early on, many are taught to preserve harmony and always act like a lady. So, when conflict arises, two women may smile and walk away like they’re best friends, when in reality they’re covertly plotting the best revenge.  

In business, this manifests in fascinating ways. A man can walk into a meeting, argue that your entire proposal is trash, and then ask if you want to split a sandwich. A woman will gently suggest that perhaps you just didn’t understand the assignment and then go on to present her own meticulously crafted alternative proposal. However, you think to yourself that she was just waiting for this moment to put you down in front of everyone, and that the day will come when you’ll get back at her.  Men can often separate the person from the conflict.

In personal relationships, it’s even more dramatic. A guy can have a blowout with a friend, not talk for three months, then pick up exactly where they left off. Meanwhile, a woman can spend years processing how her best friend didn’t defend her in 2017 when her ex called her “intense.” She’s not mad, she’s just noting it. Forever.

The Harvard Business Review’s 2013 study, “How Men and Women Approach Conflict Differently” analyzed conflict behaviors and found that men were more likely to “escalate” conflict quickly to resolution (even aggressively), whereas women were more likely to seek understanding or avoid escalation, leading to a persistent feeling of resentment. Women might carry a grudge even if the conflict consists of only a perceived wrongdoing against them. The perpetrator of the wrongdoing might not even be aware of their transgression.

Does this mean men are better at getting over conflict? Not necessarily. Your male colleague might seem totally fine two minutes after you verbally criticize him in a strategy session because he just sees it as business as usual. But it might just be that he’s better at swallowing his emotions. Women might personalize conflict and  “hold on” to things longer, but perhaps it’s because they’re trying to understand what actually happened and ensure it doesn’t happen again.

It looks like men live in the moment and forget about conflict when it’s over. Women, on the other hand, seek emotional protection in their interactions that extends far beyond the initial conflict.