Honey I'm Home...All Day

Picture this: after 40 years of “see-you-at-6,” your spouse now appears at 10 a.m. in your kitchen wearing the same clothes he wore for the last 6 days, asking where you keep the coffee filters, and why the clothes dryer has so many mysterious buttons. Apparently, he has been an honored guest in a full service hotel for the years that he was employed outside the home and he expects this lifestyle to continue. You might wonder why I'm using the pronoun "he" instead of saying "he' and "she" ? It's because the research cited below attributes to men much of the unpleasant post-retirement behavior. However, the sudden, full-time proximity of retirement can turn any loving couple into two people looking at each other and wondering, “Why am I with this person”? So, let's look at some research to understand why tensions arise in retirement between two people who are presumably in love.

A 2024 multi-state survey commissioned by Ameriprise Financial found that marriages experienced the most conflict when one partner retired while the other kept working, especially when the retiree was the husband. Wives in that scenario reported a sharper drop in marital quality than any other group. Traditionally women took care of the household and this responsibility didn’t magically transfer to the husband once he was the stay at home partner. Now the wife is working all day, and then coming home to a husband who’s first question to her is , “What’s for dinner”?

Society perpetuates the stereotypical idea that money equals power, and gender bias states that men must be the breadwinners. It follows that men might feel a loss of power when they are no longer bringing home the bacon, as their purpose in life was tied up to their earning power. Retirement can dent a man’s sense of purpose (goodbye, business card) while charging up his wife’s worry radar (how long can a person sit staring at the wall). Finishing a crossword puzzle doesn’t provide the same satisfaction as being the winning attorney in a $5 million lawsuit.

Apparently, in sickness and in death is not applicable to the male partner in a relationship. A study published in 2025 at the University of Florence,  show marriages are 60 % more likely to end if the wife becomes seriously ill in later life, but a husband’s illness doesn’t predict the same divorce surge. The expectation that women will provide caregiving, even in their own retirement, remains stubbornly gendered. To some men, putting a tea bag in a cup with boiling water is a task equal to running a mile.

And what about all those little quirks that are never noticed until two people are together 24/7? Divorce rates among adults 55+ have doubled since 1990. Tipping points that might feed the “grey divorce” machine might be a man’s poor personal hygiene now that he no longer has to dress to impress and the realization that he was actually a little bit boring as his vibrancy was related to his work activities and now they were gone. But perhaps the most irritating to his partner is the man’s sense of entitlement that his partner will “do” things for him as if he still had a personal secretary. Likewise, the female partner has probably considered their home as her fiefdom. She has maintained the responsibilities for many years and is unwilling to change her household routines easily.

So, what can we do to change this disaster scenario? How about giving these ideas a shot.

·      Make a list of ten recurring household decisions; if one of you makes more than seven, rebalance.

·      Each Sunday (or any other day you choose) , swap two tasks you traditionally avoided.

·      Plan two solo afternoons a week. We all need some breathing space and a chance to miss being with a person.

·      Agree on a monthly sum earmarked for shared adventures—no home repairs allowed.

·      Every three months do a review. Ask each other; What’s working? What’s bugging me?

Retirement isn’t just a change of address from office to sofa; it’s a rewiring of influence, identity, and daily territory. That’s a major change.

So, the next time your retired partner forgets that the sink doesn’t clean itself, take a breather and start planning the next trip to some exotic locale.