It's Just Muscle!

Women don’t just notice they’ve gained weight; they conduct a full-scale investigation. They pull out every pair of pants they own, trying to determine whether the dryer shrank them. They examine themselves from angles that require circus-level flexibility. Then they call three friends, all of whom insist they “look exactly the same,” even though everyone secretly knows that’s the first thing women say to each other in times of crisis.

Men have a completely different strategy. They simply adjust their wardrobe. If the pants don’t fit, it’s clearly the pants’ fault. Time to buy a bigger pair. Problem solved. The old pants are quietly moved to the back of the closet where they wait patiently for the miracle that everyone knows is never coming.

Then comes dining out. A woman studies the menu like she’s preparing for the bar exam. “How many calories are in the grilled salmon? Does the dressing come on the side? Is the broccoli steamed?” Meanwhile, the man says, “I’ll have the double bacon cheeseburger…and let’s not pretend the fries are for the table.”

The bathroom scale is another story altogether. Women have an almost mystical relationship with it. They step on once. Then again without shoes. Then after taking off a sweater. Then after going to the bathroom, because surely that has to count for something. Men usually discover the scale when they’re looking for the flashlight.

Shopping is where the comedy really begins. A woman tries on a dress that fit perfectly last year. If it feels snug, she assumes she’s gained twenty pounds, her metabolism has permanently retired, and she’ll never eat another cookie. A man tries on the same size shirt he’s worn for years. If it won’t button, he concludes the manufacturer changed their sizing. “They don’t make clothes like they used to.”

Exercise brings out another difference. Women often create detailed workout plans, download fitness apps, buy matching exercise outfits, and research protein shakes. Men, on the other hand, mow the lawn once, break a sweat, and announce proudly, “That’s my workout for the week.”

The funniest part is that both men and women usually end up in exactly the same place: promising that “Monday” is the day they’ll start eating better. The difference is that women keep that promise, but for men, when Monday comes, and someone brings donuts to work, or pizza magically appears at dinner, the diet is postponed until next Monday.

But maybe it isn’t so wrong to think that life is simply too short to skip birthday cake, vacation ice cream, or Grandma’s lasagna. The key may be to just enjoy them in moderation, and maybe don’t blame the dryer quite so often.