He said, she said, and everyone took notes!

When men and women criticize each other in public about their relationship, it’s rarely planned. No one wakes up and thinks, “Today feels like a good day to emotionally body-check my partner in front of witnesses.” And yet, it happens—at dinner parties, family gatherings, grocery store aisles, and especially in front of people who were just hoping to enjoy the guacamole.

Men tend to criticize publicly in a drive-by fashion. A quick comment, tossed off like a joke: “Well, if she were ever on time…” or “This is why I don’t let him pack.” In a man’s mind, this is harmless banter—basically a comedic aside. In his partner’s mind, it’s a TED Talk titled Why I Should Never Leave the House With You Again.

Women, by contrast, are less likely to toss a grenade and walk away. Their public criticism often arrives with context, history, and emotional footnotes. A woman might say, “Oh, this? This is exactly what I was talking about earlier,” which to her feels clarifying, but to her partner feels like the opening statement in a public trial. No gavel, but plenty of judgment.

Tone matters, and this is where things really go sideways. Men frequently wrap criticism in humor, assuming laughter equals forgiveness. Women, sensing the seriousness of the issue, may drop the humor entirely. The result? One partner thinks they’re being funny, the other thinks they’re being publicly disrespected, and the audience quietly wonders if they should pretend to check their phones.

Public criticism also triggers very different definitions of loyalty. Many men don’t realize that joking at their partner’s expense—especially if it earns laughs—can feel like betrayal. Women, meanwhile, may not realize that pointing out emotional shortcomings in public feels less like feedback and more like announcing a product recall on someone’s self-esteem.

Then there’s what gets criticized. Men usually stick to observable facts: lateness, navigation skills, the mysterious inability to load the dishwasher correctly. Women tend to criticize the meaning behind the behavior: consideration, effort, emotional presence. One is arguing about socks on the floor; the other is arguing about what the socks say about the relationship.

The aftermath is equally mismatched. Men often assume the moment has passed once the conversation changes topics. Women, however, may mentally replay the scene with director’s commentary, costume notes, and a revised script of what should have been said. One person is ordering dessert; the other is still emotionally stuck in Act Two.

The moral of the story is simple: if you wouldn’t want your partner live-tweeting your flaws, don’t workshop them in public. Relationships survive best when criticism stays private, humor stays mutual, and dinner parties remain about food—not about who forgot to take out the trash again.