Just Relaxing!

When men talk about “relaxing,” they usually mean the absence of all obligation, movement, and unnecessary syllables. The aversion to talking while relaxing is probably the aspect of male relaxation that women least understand. When women talk about “relaxing,” they mean sitting on the sofa with a good book and a cup of coffee without anyone needing anything from them for at least forty-five minutes. Already, we are not talking about the same activity.

For many men, relaxation can be done anywhere as long as no one is asking questions and no decisions need to be made. If there is a game on, even better. If there is noise, clutter, or chaos in the room, it barely registers. His nervous system has learned to power down anywhere. I had a male friend who would sometimes say, “I need to take a quick nap,” and then he’d instantly zone out for 30 minutes sitting straight up in a chair.

Women, by contrast, do not so much “fall into” relaxation as construct it. There is an atmosphere to consider. There is subdued lighting and tranquil music, a cozy blanket, or a book that was optimistically chosen weeks ago and finally opened. None of this is accidental. It is a deliberate attempt to signal to a brain that has been on call all day that it is, at least temporarily, off duty.

This is why a man can relax in a room that looks like it was abandoned in the middle of a home invasion, while a woman can sit in a perfectly comfortable chair and still be aware that the dishwasher is full, the laundry is unfinished, and the lamp is casting the wrong kind of light.

None of this is a character flaw. It is a difference in how stress is discharged. Many men relax by subtracting stimulation. Many women relax by changing the quality of it. One system shuts down. The other has to be gently persuaded to stand down.

One of the best gifts a woman can receive is a massage. This is one of the few times when a woman’s only activity is lying down. Men also appreciate massages, but they are equally happy simply to lie in their favorite recliner while enjoying a frosty IPA.

The real art of coexisting, then, is not trying to convert one another, but learning the translations. If you want a man to relax, give him permission to do nothing without guilt. He doesn’t need that spa vacation with healthy food, no cell phone use, or television. Actually, to most men, that would be the antithesis of relaxation. If you want a woman to relax, remove her from any activity that doesn’t focus on her.