The Breadwinner Blues

Ah, money and relationships—the classic combo that can turn romantic dinners into budget meetings. Once upon a time, in a world without Wi-Fi, men hunted mammoths, and women gathered berries. Fast forward a few millennia, and while the mammoths are gone, the idea that men should be providers lingers. This “breadwinner” model has been passed down through generations and societal expectations continue to promote this role model for men.

From Cinderella to modern rom-coms, the narrative often goes- woman meets wealthy man, man rescues woman from financial woes, they live happily ever after. Remember Pretty Women? Yes, Richard Gere was the total package, he had looks and charisma but it was his money that was the basis for the plot of the movie. These stories, while entertaining, have subtly reinforced the notion that a man’s wallet is as important as his heart. It’s no wonder some women grow up expecting a prince with a platinum card and then many times overlook the guy who would have been their perfect match.

For many men, being the provider isn’t just about paying bills; it’s about identity. Earning less than their partner can feel like they’re failing at a role they’ve been conditioned to fulfill. Studies such as, Men’s Economic Dependency, Gender Ideology, and Stress At Midlife, published in 2020 in the Journal Of Marriage And Family have shown that men with traditional views on gender roles experience higher stress levels when they’re not the primary earners.

Money can be a power play. In relationships where one partner earns significantly more, there’s potential for imbalance. Some women might expect financial support as a form of security, while some men might feel their authority is challenged if they’re not the ones footing the bill. It’s less about the money and more about what the money represents. The subordinate nature of giving a grown women an “allowance” is demeaning to both partners in a relationship. The woman is infantilized and the man is valued only as long as he can provide for the woman financially.

Today’s world is shifting. Women are climbing corporate ladders, starting businesses, and, in many cases, outearning their male counterparts. This shift challenges traditional dynamics, leading to confusion and, sometimes, insecurity. Men might wonder, “If I’m not the provider, what’s my role?” Surprisingly, even young men today think that they should be the one paying the bills. Data from the e61 Institute published in April 2025, revealed that Gen Z men born between 1997-2012, are more likely to hold traditional gender beliefs than older men. I guess old habits die hard.

Often, couples don’t discuss financial expectations until they’re knee-deep in joint accounts and mortgage applications. This lack of communication can lead to assumptions, resentment, and surprise credit card bills and can become particularly upsetting if the provider dies and the door to undisclosed finances and debts opens.  Open dialogues about money, roles, and expectations are crucial to navigating these waters.

And then there’s the real life examples of some very, very wealthy men with much, much younger partners. Richard Gere and Alejandra Silva ( age gap 34 years), Dennis Quaid and Laura Savoie (age gap 39 years) and Rupert Murdoch and Jerry Hall (age gap 25 years) are just a few illustrations. Perhaps attributes other than money are the basis for these relationships, but one has to wonder.

In the end, while history and culture have shaped certain expectations, it’s up to each couple to define their own financial dynamics. Open communication, mutual respect, and a dash of humor can go a long way in ensuring both partners feel valued—regardless of who brings home the bacon.