The Madonna-Whore Complex-Why Women Still Can't Win

You’ve heard of no-win situations, but nothing—and I mean nothing—compares to the impossible game women have been roped into for centuries: the Madonna-Whore Complex. Sounds like the name of a pop duo that missed their big break, but no—this is Freud’s little gift to the world, the theory that men split women into two categories: the saintly, pure, pedestal-worthy “Madonna,” or the sinful, seductive, doomed “Whore.” Obviously, it would be an anomaly to even suggest that a “good” woman can also be sexy.

It’s the dating equivalent of being asked, “Do you want to be adored but not physically desired, or passionately pursued but then cast aside when he focuses on a marriage partner?” Wow, thanks for the choice. Apparently, if you’re too “good,” you’re wifey material ala 1950’s version—but don’t expect your husband to actually desire you after the ring is on.

And this nonsense shows up everywhere. Take pop culture: one minute, a woman’s the innocent girl next door; the next, she dares to show a little cleavage and—bam—she’s labeled a walking cautionary tale. Don’t forget the belittling comment sometimes heard that the reason a girl was sexually harassed was because of the provocative way that she dressed. Men say they want a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets, but they are horrified when a woman actually gives them what they want.

Let’s not forget how society encourages women to walk this absurd tightrope. Stereotypical gender roles have always defined appropriate behavior for both men and women. In fact, research shows that men who strongly subscribe to traditional gender roles struggle to see women as both sexual and respectable (Milhausen & Herold, 2005), and the media hasn’t helped—studies show we’re still bombarded with Madonna-Whore stereotypes in everything from Netflix shows to TikTok trends (Hatton & Trautner, 2013). No wonder everyone’s confused.”

Films and tv shows have recently shown some change for the better. Films like Anora humanize sex work and portrays the lead actress as a multifaceted individual. Female characters in the TV show Westworld challenged the Madonna-Whore archetypes. However, the still successful TV show Sex and the City portrays Charlotte as the classic Madonna figure dreaming of marriage and family, while Samantha is overtly sexual, lacking in appropriate female virtues. Apparently, it’s inconceivable that a woman can have two distinct facets to her personality.

The message seems to be that if you want to be taken seriously then you better keep it modest. But at the same time—look sexy, be flirtatious, keep his interest, don’t be boring! Just don’t enjoy it too much, or we’ll have to toss you into the Whore camp.

This whole scenario doesn’t just screw over women—it makes relationships needlessly confusing. Men raised on these ideas can’t figure out why they’re frustrated: “I love my wife but I’m not attracted to her anymore!” Yeah, that’s because you filed her under “Madonna” and now you’re secretly scrolling Instagram wishing your spouse had an alter ego named Cinnamon.

In the end, the biggest joke is that nobody wins here. Men don’t get authentic connections and women don’t get treated like whole people. Until these biases change, ladies, you might want to keep both your halo and your thigh-high boots handy. You never know which version of you the world’s expecting today.